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Published: September 24, 2010
One Venti Craptastic Oinkalicious, Please
In addition to being addicted to really bad TV, I’m also addicted to sugar and coffee. So, when I found
myself with some time to kill, I decided to go to the Dairy Queen for a sugary, coffee flavored frozen
beverage. It wasn’t until I pulled up to the drive thru that I remembered how stupid their name was for
such a beverage. So I quickly uttered that I wanted a small Moo-Latte, and started to pull forward.

But, no, the DQ girl said, “Huh, can you repeat that?” So I did. But alas, she still didn’t hear me. So on
try number three, I yelled loudly, “ONE SMALL CHOCOLATEY CRUNCH MOOOOO-LATTE PLEASE!”
I think it was that precise moment that I decided I would never again grace the DQ drive thru with my
presence. It’s bad enough that this small drink is nearly $4, but to make me feel like an idiot when
ordering it is just crossing a line.

This got me to thinking about other products I’ve decided I’m no longer ordering out loud. Take for
example, the Double Down sandwich at Kentucky Friend Chicken. It sounds more like a porn movie
involving twins engaging in acts that are illegal in 18 states instead of a sandwich. And the damn
sandwich has no freaking bread! I don’t know about you, but where I come from, bread is an essential
part of the sandwich. I’m even more convinced that this breadless wonder was named after a porn
movie after seeing an article on KFC’s search for “AmbASSadors” to promote this sandwich by using
young chicks with hot asses
wearing sweats with “Double Down” emblazoned on the backside.

I also refuse to order the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity breakfast at IHOP. I don’t think I can eat
something that sounds like a scent you’d find on the shelves of Bath and Body Works. I also hear that
Denny’s is a corny product name offender with their Moons over My Hammy dish. Maybe these popular
breakfast-all-day joints are relying on most of their customers being stoned and therefore more
appreciative of the wacky breakfast names.

Then there’s the sheer pretentiousness of the Starbucks lineup. If the Starbucks people wanted to
mess with their customers, all they would have to do is switch around the order of their sizes. Admit it,
you’d have no clue the Venti is a large if it wasn’t at the end of the lineup. Try guessing which is the
large when your choices are Tall, Grande, and Venti. If you live in Appalachia, like me, my bet is you’d
go with the Tall.

And speaking of sizes, since when did McDonalds decide to change all of the rules in that department?
The other day I ordered a medium and ended up with what used to be the large. So now, their small is
medium, the medium is a large, and the large is a hog trough. I’d really hate to see what the super size
is now and what kind of vehicle you’d need to haul it away.

I’m left to wonder what in the hell are the marketing peeps at some of these places thinking? Are they
all sitting around getting buzzed on venti Espresso Macchiatos and eating sandwiches without bread
and exclaiming things like “Hey let’s really screw with our customers and make them feel like dorks
while they order our overpriced crappy food!”

So, tell me what are some of the ridiculously named things you’ve ordered?