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Published: August 13, 2010
The Slack Ass Diet
So, I was watching TV the other day and I saw this commercial for the Special K diet. Normally, I’m not
much into diets. I can’t, for the life of me, limit myself to ridiculous things like no carbs or dairy. It’s just
not right, no wait, it’s blasphemous for an Appalachian girl to not eat macaroni and cheese or ice
cream. And let’s just face it; low carb beer is a total rip-off when you consider the cost versus the
alcohol content. You might as well drink water and pretend like you’re buzzed, because buzzed is not
happening with low carb beer. On the other hand, it does come in handy for a beer-like experience
while doing things where you have to maintain sobriety (i.e., shooting guns or a night at the ballpark).

Anyways, I thought this is finally a diet that maybe I can stick with. All you have to do is eat Special K
cereal twice a day, and then eat whatever you want for dinner. Oh, I think you are supposed to maybe
eat some Special K snacks or beverages, too, but since my normal breakfast is a pot of coffee, I
figured I can just go with the 2 bowls of cereal and my snack could be some cocktails in the evening.

Well, this was all well and good for the first few days. Then I decided I don’t really like Special K cereal.
Even with strawberries, it’s kind of bland.  It’s like eating cardboard with construction paper shaped
fruit. No offense to the peeps at Kellogg’s, but every day I hear how short life is and how you should
enjoy every minute of it, and as I approach 40 I really take this to heart.  And this week, I was not
enjoying my cardboard breakfast or lunch; as a matter of fact, the whole time I pretty much thought
about how I’d rather be eating the kids’ Cocoa Puffs.

This led me to wonder if it really mattered what cereal I ate twice a day, as long as it was cereal. I
figured maybe I can eat two bowls of Cocoa Puffs a day, because after all, I have heard that chocolate
is good for your heart. Then I got to thinking that you pour milk on the cereal, so maybe I should just eat
two bowls of low-fat chocolate frozen yogurt a day, then opt for a healthy dinner.

Then, I was reminded of last Saturday when my BFF brought me liquor so I wouldn’t have to drag the
kids clear down to the east end of town to buy booze. She also brought this lovely concoction of
chocolate infused vodka. So, then I reasoned that breakfast and lunch cocktails with chocolate flavored
vodka would practically be just like eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, as long as I mixed it with low-fat milk,
instead of Sunkist pop.

Yeah, it was silly of me to think I could actually stick to a diet. I’m beginning to think it was a fiber
induced hallucination, and my mind will clear up once I wash all that out with my regular morning pot of
coffee and vanilla flavored Coffee-Mate.

But all was not lost during this little experiment; I learned I’m REALLY good at rationalizing.