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By MICHELLE McALLISTER
Published: July 16, 2010
Published: July 16, 2010
F is for Fail
Contrary to the rumors going around, I have not been abducted by aliens. It’s a damn shame, too,
because I can only imagine what great material an alien abduction could provide me with. Hell, it might
even get me a spot on Jerry Springer, which would undoubtedly boost me to celebrity level in my town.
And I bet that would get me some rock star parking at the Walmarts.
But no, I’ve just been busy with the various activities that happen to stay at home moms during
summer. Mostly that’s just entertaining four kids and carting them to all of their activities. And then
there was the last minute vacation planning about 3 weeks ago. This is a whole other story, to follow
soon, but let me say the Slack Ass Method of Vacation Planning is going to be my new standard now.
No more pre-planning for me!
Anyhoo, after returning from said last minute vacation, I realized the kids had not started on their 4-H
projects, and one kid even lost her 4-H project book. So, we had major hoops to jump through to
complete the projects in the 10 days we had left until judging. This is no easy task when you have a kid
doing wood working and you don’t know how to operate (or not allowed to operate) power tools.
Luckily, I was able to pass him off to a brother-in-law. I was stuck helping with art and cooking projects.
Since I know a little about both, I figured it would be easy sailing. I was wrong. First of all, I learned
being creative doesn’t necessarily prepare you to do craft projects that come with instructions. And
apparently, it’s pretty important to read the instructions thoroughly before starting these craft projects.
Luckily, the turtle stepping stone did come out of the mold, but his tail was a casualty. I told my
daughter not to worry about it though, it just leant credibility to the fact that she did it all by herself.
Next, I focused on getting my son’s cooking project done. First, this entailed buying about $100 worth
of ingredients. Then, we had to figure out how to do all the recipes containing nuts, no biggie unless
your kid is deathly allergic to them. Another parent gave me a tip of substituting sunflower seeds for the
nuts in the trail mix recipe, so we did. Then my husband came home and we offered him some trail
mix. He took a big handful and threw it in his mouth, and then started choking. It seems when you use
sunflower seeds in trail mix, you are supposed to use the kind without shells. Maybe I should
encourage the kids to take projects about things I’m more familiar with…like guns.
So, you can imagine the sense of relief I felt yesterday when the kids were all done with their judging
and everyone walked away with A’s. I had visions of cocktails dancing in my head and I couldn’t wait to
get home to show some love to my neglected bottle of Goose. As we headed home, we were rocking
out to the radio and all the kids are engrossed in their PSP’s. Then a commercial came on the radio for
a strip club, which ended with the information that the club was open on Sunday.
“Oh, that’s really nice,” says the Candlemaker, “I don’t think God really wants you to pay hookers to
dance for you on Sundays.”
Now, I probably should have used that opportunity to explain to my child that not all strippers are
hookers, or some other meaningful information that you’d see suggested on a public service
announcement for parents to use these times to impart wisdom upon their children about the dangers
of sex or what not, but all I could think to say was, “So do you think God doesn’t care about the other
days?” And I fit that in between uncontrollable fits of laughter.
He responds, “Well Sunday IS the Lord’s Day.” And then he told me it was OK if I “twittered” that to all
my friends.
I guess it’s a good thing there isn’t some kind of judging parents have to go through – I’d certainly get an
F on that project.
because I can only imagine what great material an alien abduction could provide me with. Hell, it might
even get me a spot on Jerry Springer, which would undoubtedly boost me to celebrity level in my town.
And I bet that would get me some rock star parking at the Walmarts.
But no, I’ve just been busy with the various activities that happen to stay at home moms during
summer. Mostly that’s just entertaining four kids and carting them to all of their activities. And then
there was the last minute vacation planning about 3 weeks ago. This is a whole other story, to follow
soon, but let me say the Slack Ass Method of Vacation Planning is going to be my new standard now.
No more pre-planning for me!
Anyhoo, after returning from said last minute vacation, I realized the kids had not started on their 4-H
projects, and one kid even lost her 4-H project book. So, we had major hoops to jump through to
complete the projects in the 10 days we had left until judging. This is no easy task when you have a kid
doing wood working and you don’t know how to operate (or not allowed to operate) power tools.
Luckily, I was able to pass him off to a brother-in-law. I was stuck helping with art and cooking projects.
Since I know a little about both, I figured it would be easy sailing. I was wrong. First of all, I learned
being creative doesn’t necessarily prepare you to do craft projects that come with instructions. And
apparently, it’s pretty important to read the instructions thoroughly before starting these craft projects.
Luckily, the turtle stepping stone did come out of the mold, but his tail was a casualty. I told my
daughter not to worry about it though, it just leant credibility to the fact that she did it all by herself.
Next, I focused on getting my son’s cooking project done. First, this entailed buying about $100 worth
of ingredients. Then, we had to figure out how to do all the recipes containing nuts, no biggie unless
your kid is deathly allergic to them. Another parent gave me a tip of substituting sunflower seeds for the
nuts in the trail mix recipe, so we did. Then my husband came home and we offered him some trail
mix. He took a big handful and threw it in his mouth, and then started choking. It seems when you use
sunflower seeds in trail mix, you are supposed to use the kind without shells. Maybe I should
encourage the kids to take projects about things I’m more familiar with…like guns.
So, you can imagine the sense of relief I felt yesterday when the kids were all done with their judging
and everyone walked away with A’s. I had visions of cocktails dancing in my head and I couldn’t wait to
get home to show some love to my neglected bottle of Goose. As we headed home, we were rocking
out to the radio and all the kids are engrossed in their PSP’s. Then a commercial came on the radio for
a strip club, which ended with the information that the club was open on Sunday.
“Oh, that’s really nice,” says the Candlemaker, “I don’t think God really wants you to pay hookers to
dance for you on Sundays.”
Now, I probably should have used that opportunity to explain to my child that not all strippers are
hookers, or some other meaningful information that you’d see suggested on a public service
announcement for parents to use these times to impart wisdom upon their children about the dangers
of sex or what not, but all I could think to say was, “So do you think God doesn’t care about the other
days?” And I fit that in between uncontrollable fits of laughter.
He responds, “Well Sunday IS the Lord’s Day.” And then he told me it was OK if I “twittered” that to all
my friends.
I guess it’s a good thing there isn’t some kind of judging parents have to go through – I’d certainly get an
F on that project.
