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Published: September 8, 2011
Diatribe of a Disgruntled Wal-Mart Shopper
Out Of The Blue  ootb646.com
I imagine in most cities the Wal-Mart greeter is a kind old soul who
is friendly and actually greets you with a smile and cheery “Hello,
welcome to Wal-mart!” In my town, this is not the case. Our greeter
is a grouchy, old woman who moves slower than molasses and
acts like I am the greatest burden in her four hour shift. Am I wrong
to think the Wal-Mart greeter should greet me and make me feel
good about coming to Wal-mart? She doesn’t. She makes me
wonder why in the hell I go to Wal-Mart.

I don’t really require any special treatment from the places I frequent,
but I do prefer I not be made to feel like a criminal upon leaving a
place where I just dropped $350. Trust me, after spending two hours
at Wal-Mart at the beginning of the month the last thing I want to do
is anything that will require me to stay longer. This includes being
stopped and having the contents of my cart compared with my
receipt to make sure I really paid for the $4 pack of Diet Coke on the bottom of my cart while my
popsicles melt.

This got me to thinking about the whole Wal-Mart greeter thing. I mean if I really wanted to steal a 12-
pack of Diet Coke, I’m pretty sure I could outrun the 80 year old Wal-Mart greeter. Hell, I could probably
out walk her. No wonder people are walking out of there with big screen TV’s and computers – they are
too busy harassing those of us who pay for shit before leaving. Maybe if they opened more registers,
less people would leave without paying for stuff.

And let’s face it; is it really necessary to get that little pink sticker on your returns before getting through
the door? I mean is Wal-Mart having a problem with people bringing stuff they didn’t pay for INTO the

Personally, I would be far happier if nobody “greeted” me as opposed to being made to feel like a
criminal. But, if these are big problems for Wal-Mart, then I suggest some changes to the greeter
position. Instead of hiring retirees who are most likely lacking in sight and mobility, they should hire
bouncers. Big, burly dudes who can scare the bejeebus out of you with just a look would be far more
deterring to potential Diet Coke and TV thieves. And you can just think twice about bringing back
something you didn’t pay for, because instead of a little pink sticker, the bouncer would grab you by the
back of the shirt and throw you into the parking lot right on your thieving ass. And maybe punch you in
the throat for good measure.

Yeah, that would make me feel a lot better about shopping at Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart sad face.