|©Copyright 2009-2011 Out Of The Blue.
By MICHELLE McALLISTER
Published: February 14, 2011
Not Tonight Honey, My Feet Hurt
Out Of The Blue ootb646.com
Lately, I’ve been getting all kinds of mail targeted towards
older folks. The first time I got a letter from The Scooter
Store, I just laughed and tossed it in the trash. Then the
AARP letters started coming, Miracle Ear, and the ones
trying to sell me supplements for Medicare. Naturally my
first thought was WTF?! How in the hell did I get on the
old geezer mailing list? I mean I still have nine whole
months before I even turn forty.
Then last week my bestie called and wanted me to go
walking with her. She’s trying to be all healthy and stuff
and I had been snowed in for a week with four kids and
was in dire need of adult conversation, so I agreed to go.
If I had known that she was taking me on a power walking
session that would leave me crippled for a week, I would
have just talked to one of the eleventy telemarketers that call me every day.
But it wasn’t until three days after this session that I found out I was crippled. It started out with me
realizing on a Saturday night that my feet kinda hurt. I tossed and turned all night, cussing and beating
on my pillow because it simply hurt to put any pressure on my feet. So I rummaged in the medicine
cabinet for leftover prescription pain aids and went back to bed with my feet hanging over the edge of
The next morning when I got out of bed, I realized it hurt to walk. So I popped more prescription
strength ibuprofen followed by a coffee chaser and hoped I would at least be able to remain upright for
a few hours since it was my turn to work the concession stand at basketball in a few hours. And then it
dawned on me – a scooter would come in pretty handy right now!
So, I headed to the kitchen counter, where I keep all of my important papers, and searched for the
scooter letter. And of course, I couldn’t find it, so I sat down (yay, my ass didn’t hurt!) and took the free
mobility assessment online. Here are my results:
1. Do you sometimes feel left out by not being able to get together with friends and family? YES! Duh,
that’s why I agreed to exercise in the first place and thus can’t walk without intense pain!
2. Do you have health-related issues that limit your mobility? Um, YES! See question 1, idiot.
3. Are you having trouble getting to your kitchen or dining facility by yourself for a meal? YES again, I’m
saying OUCH! with every step, whether it be to the kitchen, bathroom, laundry room…
4. Is it difficult for you to get to the bathroom on your own? What?! There are people that go to the
bathroom by themselves? Hell yes, this is a HUGE problem for me.
5. Do you have difficulty accessing your clothes and getting dressed everyday? I find this so difficult
that some days I just stay in my pajamas.
6. Have you lost the ability to use a manual wheelchair inside your home? Isn’t it bad enough that I can’
t walk; you want me to hurt my hands too? This is an ability I don’t wish to have, thanks for asking
7. Are you feeling like a bother to others due to your limited mobility? I don’t give a shit who I’m
bothering; I’m in pain damn it! Everyone else is bothering me by continually asking me to do stuff for
them when I’m in pain. Besides, I thought this test was about ME?!
8. Have you fallen in the past 12 months? Dude, we really can’t go here. What happens in Vegas stays
in Vegas, even if it didn’t happen in Vegas. In other words, YES!
Then I hit “submit” and The Scooter Store told me I should call them immediately because mobility
problems are seriously affecting my quality of life. Well no shit, Sherlock! I could have told you that
without taking your dumb, free mobility assessment.
Seeing as how I’m not eligible for Medicare for another twenty some years and the Jazzy Select Power
Chair retails at $5496, I guess I’m left with the options of taking copious amounts of ibuprofen, buying a
new pair of walking shoes, or being unfit and pain free. I think I’ll pick the latter.
Besides, I think a motorized bar stool is more my style anyway.