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By MICHELLE McALLISTER
Published: November 22, 2010
Published: November 22, 2010
Please Squeeze the Charmin!
Out Of The Blue ootb646.com
Apparently, I’m the only one in my household that
can do a few certain things. After the last week I’ve
discovered I am the only one who can turn off a light,
turn off a faucet, empty a full trash can, and change
the empty roll of toilet paper.
I’m not quite sure why these things escape everyone
else who lives around me. It’s not like they aren’t
apparent. Our house sits on a quiet country road, yet
it’s lit up like the Griswold’s house at Christmas time
year round. I’m surprised that AEP doesn’t have to
do a brown out because of all of the electrical things
plugged into our many outlets.
Last month I had a heart attack when I opened our
water bill. Normally it hovers around the $30 mark.
But last month it was nearly $50. So I investigated
and found that my children have no idea how to turn
a faucet off. They are well versed in turning them on
and you would think that turning off would be just the
opposite. I guess I have “special” kids. This week
alone I have walked into the bathroom at least
eleventy times to find the faucet leaking a tiny, but
steady, flow.
You know, I’m not a hard person to please. I have
very few things that I need done. Matter of fact, I
can do a few certain things. After the last week I’ve
discovered I am the only one who can turn off a light,
turn off a faucet, empty a full trash can, and change
the empty roll of toilet paper.
I’m not quite sure why these things escape everyone
else who lives around me. It’s not like they aren’t
apparent. Our house sits on a quiet country road, yet
it’s lit up like the Griswold’s house at Christmas time
year round. I’m surprised that AEP doesn’t have to
do a brown out because of all of the electrical things
plugged into our many outlets.
Last month I had a heart attack when I opened our
water bill. Normally it hovers around the $30 mark.
But last month it was nearly $50. So I investigated
and found that my children have no idea how to turn
a faucet off. They are well versed in turning them on
and you would think that turning off would be just the
opposite. I guess I have “special” kids. This week
alone I have walked into the bathroom at least
eleventy times to find the faucet leaking a tiny, but
steady, flow.
You know, I’m not a hard person to please. I have
very few things that I need done. Matter of fact, I
could even limit it to ten things. So in homage to my friend Bruce Cameron, creator of 10 Simple Rules
for Dating my Daughter, I have come up with 10 simple rules for living with Helle. Please take note of
them, because I am currently accepting applications for potential living partners.
The first couple of rules for living with Helle are twofold – both occur in the bathroom. One, if you use
the last of the Charmin, for fuck’s sake, put on a new roll. They are in the closet conveniently located
next to the toilet, and luckily for you, I am a Sam’s Club member so there are eleventy rolls you can
pick from. I don’t even care if you open a new pack, just put a new roll on for the love of Pete. Secondly,
if you are of the male persuasion and for some reason decided it’s in your best interest to stand during
the deed, if you put the seat down when you’re done, I’ll be forever in your debt. Furthermore, if you put
the lid down so that I don’t have to sit on a wet seat after my 100 pound lap dog uses the toilet as an
evening cocktail, then I’ll promote you to my new BFF.
After the bathroom business, it’s all cake. If you use a faucet, turn it off. Sounds simple enough, but
apparently this is a skill that eludes my children. Should you find yourself trying to stuff something in the
trash can, and can’t because it’s too full, change the bag. Again, simple enough, but unless I put a post-
it note on the trash can with those instructions, it doesn’t happen. Trash will be piling on the floor
around the trash can and everyone is oblivious to it but me. The same follows for clothing and/or
dishes. It doesn’t belong on the floor immediately surrounding you. It goes in the hamper or the sink,
respectively.
Last but not least, if you’re living the only other rule you need to know is Helle is always right. This is
probably the most important rule. If you follow this rule, you won’t have to worry about the toilet seat,
toilet paper, trash, dishes, clothing, etc. If you do exactly what I say, we will all be happy.
The end.
for Dating my Daughter, I have come up with 10 simple rules for living with Helle. Please take note of
them, because I am currently accepting applications for potential living partners.
The first couple of rules for living with Helle are twofold – both occur in the bathroom. One, if you use
the last of the Charmin, for fuck’s sake, put on a new roll. They are in the closet conveniently located
next to the toilet, and luckily for you, I am a Sam’s Club member so there are eleventy rolls you can
pick from. I don’t even care if you open a new pack, just put a new roll on for the love of Pete. Secondly,
if you are of the male persuasion and for some reason decided it’s in your best interest to stand during
the deed, if you put the seat down when you’re done, I’ll be forever in your debt. Furthermore, if you put
the lid down so that I don’t have to sit on a wet seat after my 100 pound lap dog uses the toilet as an
evening cocktail, then I’ll promote you to my new BFF.
After the bathroom business, it’s all cake. If you use a faucet, turn it off. Sounds simple enough, but
apparently this is a skill that eludes my children. Should you find yourself trying to stuff something in the
trash can, and can’t because it’s too full, change the bag. Again, simple enough, but unless I put a post-
it note on the trash can with those instructions, it doesn’t happen. Trash will be piling on the floor
around the trash can and everyone is oblivious to it but me. The same follows for clothing and/or
dishes. It doesn’t belong on the floor immediately surrounding you. It goes in the hamper or the sink,
respectively.
Last but not least, if you’re living the only other rule you need to know is Helle is always right. This is
probably the most important rule. If you follow this rule, you won’t have to worry about the toilet seat,
toilet paper, trash, dishes, clothing, etc. If you do exactly what I say, we will all be happy.
The end.